Friday, June 30, 2006

Poster Child for Nutrasweet (R); or, How I Became Stupid

I used to be smart. Really. I used to have a keen memory. I was a great speller, and I could memorize the entire school play in two rehearsals. But that was long ago. Then I discovered Diet Coke (R).

"They" say that Nutrasweet (R) is bad for you -- that it kills brain cells. "They" may SAY it, but brothers and sisters, I am living proof. Of course, it could just be that I'm getting old, or that I have two children, but I prefer to blame it on "The Man." So let it be known that all my flightiness is surely a result of a lifetime addiction to Diet Coke (R).

Yesterday evening, in my haste to prove that I could, indeed, collect two children (preferably my OWN two children) from daycare and get them home in one piece, I left all of their belongings (dirty bottles, wet bathing suit and towel, craft project, etc.) at daycare on a hook in Marcus' room. They called me at 12 minutes until 6 to laugh at me and tell me to come get my stuff. It takes me fifteen to get there, assuming the kids are strapped in the car and ready. They weren't, so there was no way I could get back there before they closed. No matter... I can get them tomorrow.

So today dawns and I have to pack extra things for the kids because I am working tonight and they are going to Aiden's house to cause trouble there. I remember nightclothes (barely) and diapers and bottles and formula. I forget Athena's pacifier. It's been hard enough getting her to go to bed lately, but I left my good friends (well, I HOPE they are still good friends) with no pacifier.

I get them to daycare this morning and only misplaced my keys twice while dropping them off. I gathered all the stuff from yesterday and threw it in my car, then took the empty diaper bag and bottle bag back in so my friends would have some way to carry all of my kids' crap home.

I had to take the nightclothes and formula to Aiden's house (which is within walking distance of the daycare) and was leaving the parking lot (in my car. I mean, when I say "walking distance," I mean that someone else could walk it. I wouldn't want to.) when I noticed my gas light was on. Peachy. So I checked the trip odometer. 298 miles on one tank of gas. The most I have EVER pushed one tank (and even then I felt like I could putter out any minute) was to 275 miles. Crikey.

Fortunately, there was a Shell (R) station right in that shopping center. Unfortunately, that Shell (R) station is part of a Bunkey's Car Wash (R) and so they charge nine cents more per gallon than any other station in town... unless you buy a car wash. I elected not to buy a car wash. Then I filled my tank COMPLETELY UP, all the while thinking I would just put in enough to get me to the next gas station. While I was debating where that might be... the tank filled up. Forty dollars later, I'm on my way.

I drop off the stuff for later that night, telling John everything that is in the bag (which I bet he could have deduced on his own had he, for instance, looked in the bag), but I neglected to tell him how much or when to feed my son. Fortunately, his wife thought to ask me over IM when I told her I had dropped everything off.

I had some time to kill, so I decided to hit Office Max for a couple of little fun things to dress up my new office. I was delighted to find a parking space RIGHT up front. Of course, it wasn't until I got out of my car and headed for the doors that I realized that out of habit, I parked in front of the Best Buy that is five doors down. I just walked it. I justified my moronic achievement by noting how good the 80 yard walk would be for me.

Lunch managed to go by without incident. Miraculously.

I got to work and upon sending my coworker a schedule for the interviews I just set up (we're hiring a Library Assistant), I realized I had scheduled three interviews right on top of her dentist appointment. I guess I was looking at my WHEN NOT TO SCHEDULE notes rather than the actual calendar. So I have to reschedule three people on Monday for the following Thursday. That's the Monday of July 4th weekend. I'm accepting bets on whether or not I'll be able to reach any of these people.

Dinner managed to go by without incident. I know... I'm astonished as well.

While I was at work, some kids rolled a large recycling dumpster thing into my front fender because they were bored and thought it might be fun. Then they ran. I guess we'll never know if it was as fun as they thought it would be. Fortunately, I have a Saturn, so the damage is not even really damage. The officer pointed out how many other scratches and paint flaws I have. Wasn't that nice of her? Incidentally, this paragraph does not illustrate my own stupidity. It was just something irritating that happened today.

Driving home, I was focused intently. No, not on the road, silly! I was thinking about how I was going to get two sleeping children into my car from Aiden's house, and then how I was going to get them into their own beds without waking them. Unfortunately, it wasn't until I was several miles past the turn I needed to make in order to actually COLLECT my children that I realized the point was moot if I didn't turn my butt around. John and Kathryn laughed at me. And well they should.

I'm home now. I got the kids into bed. Well, Marcus is actually sleeping in his car seat, but the car seat is in his crib. Tomorrow I have to drive them to Greensboro, as Athena and I are getting haircuts. Let's just hope I remember how to drive a car in the morning. I did have three Diet Cokes (R) this morning.


Chris said...

Wow, you make it sound a lot harder than it usually is. :-P

Only one more full day then I'll be back. Hold down the fort.

jen said...

Wow, I'm impressed. I thought only I had days like that. Except, no, even I don't have days like that. *shakes head* And just for the record, I once pushed my Saturn to 306 before filling up the tank. Yeah, I like to live on the edge.

Sophie said...

Amazingly enough, you managed to relate your adventures in a coherent manner :) Congrats!

eaf said...

It's not that it was HARDER... just more COMPLICATED. I'm doing fine... I just have to do some things more than once... or even more than one way.

It should be known that, with all the things I'm forgetting, I haven't forgotten to give the dog her medicine, or feed the kids, or change their diapers. I'm doing all the really essential stuff right.

And Athena slept all night without a pacifier last night, although Kathryn really gets the credit for that...

eaf said...

Oh, and let me tell you... dirty bottles (even though they had been rinsed) that sat in the diaper bag overnight at daycare, then festered in a hot car all day, only to finally be opened and put in the dishwasher... that is some FOUL odor.

Bern said...

You are one amazing SuperMom!!

Judy said...

OK. I know this doesn't have anything to do with the point of your story, but what's with all the (R)s? I gotta know.

Brant said...

And no, you can't chain him to the porch. I may be headed to GenCon in August, and why not bring 'im along? :)

eaf said...

Judy: (R) as in registered trademark. I'm a total Intellectual Property geek.

Brant: I assume you mean Indianapolis. If you were talking Anaheim, I'd be all about it. I think I'll have two days vacation by August, but I'd DEFINITELY have them by November. November in So. Cal. mmmmmmmmm

Jessey said...

I'm a total moron most of the time. I forget EVERYTHING. Even when I remember it, I think I have forgotten, which is why I swivel my head into the backseat five times during any given trip to make sure I have a) remembered to put BOTH children in the car and b) strapped them into their car seats and c) strapped their car seats to the car....

You know what I mean!